No Amount of Guilt Can Change Your Past

I have spent more than my fair share of time reading self-help and improvement books. Trying to figure out how to do things right; how to not feel like I am screwing up everything and everyone that crosses my path. Wanting to figure out how to have a life that is rewarding and fulfilling, one that I feel that my impact is positive and productive. Not this one that I seem to be living that leaves me asking, “Isn’t there more to life than this?” (However, I keep dreaming, visioning, and planning for the day that I discover that there is.)

The lesson that I’ve learned is just as the picture says, no amount of guilt is going to change my past and all of the worry in the world will never, ever change the future; except to rob me of precious time that I’m never going to be able to get back.

For me, forgiving myself is much harder than forgiving someone else. The blame that I feel for things that have happened whether I was ultimately responsible or not, has left this never-ending sense of guilt. I’m sure that the energy that I spend trying to keep the outside world at an arms-length could be better spent than spending it feeding into my fears and regrets.

I’m trying to find a way to forgive myself, so that I can focus on living in the present, with a sense of purpose and focus on positive changes, experiences and creating new, better memories instead of being held back by past hurts and fears.

I know that many of the things I think and feel are of my own doing. However, I didn’t know that until I had a professor that told me not to be so hard on myself; she knew what I was going through because she suffered from perfectionist tendencies, too. My initial thought was, “What the hell is she talking about> She doesn’t even know me.” However after a little reading and research, she hit the nail right on the head. I am guilty of holding myself to a higher standard than anyone else. I’ve come to the conclusion that I do this because I try to be so cautious to not let past mistakes or things that could have had different outcomes if handled differently don’t become a pattern of repeating themselves. I don’t want anyone to gain the insight that everything isn’t perfect in my little world. I want them to believe that I have it all together and that regardless of what I’ve been through I cannot be broken. When in reality, I’m about as broken as one can get.

Another reason I seem to hold myself to a higher level is because in the past, when I thought that I was doing well and had something to be proud of, someone was always quick to tell me that if I would have done this or that the outcome could have been better; my work, my efforts, never seemed to be enough. I should act this way, dress this way, be more this way and less that way… So, I became the person who left no “I” undotted and no “T” uncrossed. Which in itself sometimes has made people crazy.

It seems that I’m stuck in this out of control spiral of self-hate and never feeling good enough because of the things that have been said or done to me in the past. I fully understand that I have no control over what other people say and do and sometimes these things are done unconsciously and if the people who said and did them realized the impact that they had on me, they would feel horrible. Never the less they stay with me night and day, I can’t escape them. I hear them echoing in my head everywhere I go and whatever I do.

Through everything that I’ve read, I can give someone what I would consider to be really good advice in they were in the same situation. I would tell them that they need to work on self-acceptance and forgiving them self. That doesn’t mean not to feel bad because of some things that have happened that they could control, but to realize that people are going to say and do things out of pure stupidity, shallowness and evilness at times. That they should let that define them or feel sorry for who they are. To realize that they are a good person, faults and all. Accepting them for who they are doesn’t mean that you’re perfect or you ignore the faults and don’t want to continue becoming a better you, but it means that you realize you are human, that you are going to make mistakes; it means that you value yourself above all of those negative elements. Slip-up are going to happen, but see them as minor setbacks and forgive yourself and learn from them. Most importantly, I would tell them to stop envisioning themselves as they see themselves and listen to the positive people in their lives and try to if even for just a couple of minutes a day to see themselves through the eyes of someone else; all of the positive, inspiring, thoughtful, and caring ways that someone else sees them.

So, here is the dilemma… if I can say that I learned this lesson in life, why do I have such a problem applying it?