Are You the Garden or the Gardener?

Recently I heard someone make a comment that “In any good relationship, one partner is the gardener and the other is the garden; to grow successfully, we take turns in each role.”

At first I thought this was a little silly, but the more I thought about it the more sense it made. I can relate to the lyrics in the song Unbroken Ground by Gary Nichols. Growing up as a farm kid, this one really hit home; being in love with someone that has a few weeds that seem to match my weeds… well, that makes the song a hit, for me,  right away.

It has become clearer to me that problems in our relationships occur when we feel that we always have to fill the role of the gardener on a continual basis. We always have to be the strong one, have the answers and keep it all together and wrapped in a neat little package. Likewise, if you are with someone who always wants to be the garden, a relationship never grows or blossoms; so a good harvest always falls short. After all, a gardener only has so many hours of daylight and so much energy.

What I’m coming to the realization of is that the person that I feel is my soul mate, the person that I love more than anything; we are so much alike that we tend to do more damage than good.  We both are an alpha type, and always try to fill the role of the gardener. We don’t do well at being the garden. I don’t think that either of us had the opportunity to be the garden growing up or in previous relationships, so we don’t know how.  We’d rather fill the role of the strong gardener than to feel like the needy one. More than anything, we don’t want to admit that we can’t handle everything and anything, because in a strange way, it feels as if we are letting them and everyone else around us down.

I can’t speak for him, I have my guess, but he never would admit that I was anywhere close in thinking to his, so I’m probably wrong. So, for me, I always felt like he fell in love originally with the person who was strong, didn’t let anything get to them or bring them down (which I could be completely misguided on). I felt like I was wrong to say, “Hey, I’m hurting right now, I need help, I need a hand, or I’m not okay.” So, we had a relationship where communicating what the root problems were, was non-existent. The truth is he and I had very few problems that really belonged to us as a couple; they were weeds that blew in from neighboring gardens and because we couldn’t stop being the gardener, the weeds took over completely.

The irony in this is that for as much as I wanted to be the garden sometimes, I felt it wasn’t my place. A year ago in April, I finally knew that I couldn’t take it anymore and I was about to fall; I had a crazy pain in the a$$ who hooked up with my neighbor and tried to cause some problems for me at home. Instead of allowing me to be hurt, angry, frustrated at the situation, I was just supposed to go back to measuring to start another project, like it didn’t happen. The truth is, at that particular moment, I needed him to hold me, not expect me to work, hold me and tell me it would be okay and we would figure it out. But he didn’t, he became upset with me for being angry and he walked out, we haven’t been a couple since.

Maybe it’s situations like this that define us and tell us the next time to never allow yourself to become the garden, because when you do, the loss may be more than you expect.

No Amount of Guilt Can Change Your Past

I have spent more than my fair share of time reading self-help and improvement books. Trying to figure out how to do things right; how to not feel like I am screwing up everything and everyone that crosses my path. Wanting to figure out how to have a life that is rewarding and fulfilling, one that I feel that my impact is positive and productive. Not this one that I seem to be living that leaves me asking, “Isn’t there more to life than this?” (However, I keep dreaming, visioning, and planning for the day that I discover that there is.)

The lesson that I’ve learned is just as the picture says, no amount of guilt is going to change my past and all of the worry in the world will never, ever change the future; except to rob me of precious time that I’m never going to be able to get back.

For me, forgiving myself is much harder than forgiving someone else. The blame that I feel for things that have happened whether I was ultimately responsible or not, has left this never-ending sense of guilt. I’m sure that the energy that I spend trying to keep the outside world at an arms-length could be better spent than spending it feeding into my fears and regrets.

I’m trying to find a way to forgive myself, so that I can focus on living in the present, with a sense of purpose and focus on positive changes, experiences and creating new, better memories instead of being held back by past hurts and fears.

I know that many of the things I think and feel are of my own doing. However, I didn’t know that until I had a professor that told me not to be so hard on myself; she knew what I was going through because she suffered from perfectionist tendencies, too. My initial thought was, “What the hell is she talking about> She doesn’t even know me.” However after a little reading and research, she hit the nail right on the head. I am guilty of holding myself to a higher standard than anyone else. I’ve come to the conclusion that I do this because I try to be so cautious to not let past mistakes or things that could have had different outcomes if handled differently don’t become a pattern of repeating themselves. I don’t want anyone to gain the insight that everything isn’t perfect in my little world. I want them to believe that I have it all together and that regardless of what I’ve been through I cannot be broken. When in reality, I’m about as broken as one can get.

Another reason I seem to hold myself to a higher level is because in the past, when I thought that I was doing well and had something to be proud of, someone was always quick to tell me that if I would have done this or that the outcome could have been better; my work, my efforts, never seemed to be enough. I should act this way, dress this way, be more this way and less that way… So, I became the person who left no “I” undotted and no “T” uncrossed. Which in itself sometimes has made people crazy.

It seems that I’m stuck in this out of control spiral of self-hate and never feeling good enough because of the things that have been said or done to me in the past. I fully understand that I have no control over what other people say and do and sometimes these things are done unconsciously and if the people who said and did them realized the impact that they had on me, they would feel horrible. Never the less they stay with me night and day, I can’t escape them. I hear them echoing in my head everywhere I go and whatever I do.

Through everything that I’ve read, I can give someone what I would consider to be really good advice in they were in the same situation. I would tell them that they need to work on self-acceptance and forgiving them self. That doesn’t mean not to feel bad because of some things that have happened that they could control, but to realize that people are going to say and do things out of pure stupidity, shallowness and evilness at times. That they should let that define them or feel sorry for who they are. To realize that they are a good person, faults and all. Accepting them for who they are doesn’t mean that you’re perfect or you ignore the faults and don’t want to continue becoming a better you, but it means that you realize you are human, that you are going to make mistakes; it means that you value yourself above all of those negative elements. Slip-up are going to happen, but see them as minor setbacks and forgive yourself and learn from them. Most importantly, I would tell them to stop envisioning themselves as they see themselves and listen to the positive people in their lives and try to if even for just a couple of minutes a day to see themselves through the eyes of someone else; all of the positive, inspiring, thoughtful, and caring ways that someone else sees them.

So, here is the dilemma… if I can say that I learned this lesson in life, why do I have such a problem applying it?

Habits and Beliefs

“Your thoughts become word, your words become actions, your actions become habits, your habits become character.,your character, becomes your destiny.”

I ran across the above quote and because thinking is what I spend a lot of time doing, I really gave this a lot of thought. Not only in my life, but what I’ve seen other people who are close to me, too.

We really are creatures of habit. When I think about my day, the things I do, the things I think my physical and mental routine is already set for me and I go about it without even thinking about it for the most part.

The habits we have in thinking about ourselves and our self-worth, what other people have said or how they have hurt us-they determine our social habits. Our eating and exercise habits impact our health and our bodies; the amount of money in our bank account is the result of our spending habits and the list could go on and on.  In reality, our habits can define us; they can serve us or hinder us from a better life, they can keep us from reaching that dream.

I think that our habits can stem from our beliefs.  Most of our thoughts are impacted by our beliefs. How you look at life can become habit because of how you perceive a situation based on experiences you have had. Your words and you actions are a reflection on your beliefs. When you believe a certain think about yourself, someone else, really anything at all, you act, think and speak according to those beliefs. Ultimately “you are what you believe that you are”.

That’s a pretty powerful thought, “You are what you believe you are.”  So thinking about it, your habits are like the children of your beliefs. I know, I have a strange way of looking at things, so that might make no sense at all; in my head it makes perfect sense and since that is the purpose behind me putting this stuff down on paper, that Is my belief on what is important. Ha-ha!

I guess if I want to permanently change a negative habit, for example something about my self-worth, or what value I add to a relationship, I have to change that negative habit into a positive one. Instead of focusing on what I can’t contribute or the things I fall short on, I need to focus on what I do bring to the table and all of the positive things that I can do. So, to transform those bad habits into positive ones, I have to change my beliefs. For some reason I think that this is one of those things that is probably harder than it sounds.

What am I doing today, to make tomorrow even better? Are my visions where they should be?

After yesterday’s post, something just wouldn’t leave my thoughts; I kept asking myself if I was doing enough every day to make the next day even better. Is what I am doing going to be enough to get me where I need to be? Do my visions align with what the dream is or should I fine-tune them a bit?

For me that would be a simple question if there weren’t so many variables to it. So many factors could change and influence everything. Sometimes I almost feel that I have a dream, but I need to have a contingency dream (or plan) as a backup and maybe even a backup for the backup dream. In the big picture of things what I am doing on a daily basis, I think it is good. I know what I want and I am trying to get there. It’s the location and the other things that happen within my family that will determine where I get to do that at and if I will have the chance to spread my wings and fly, so-to-speak.

It’s pretty easy to just live on a day to day basis; believe me, I’ve done it. I’ve let events, friends, and opportunities pass me by out of fear, regret, and a number of other many things. In order to make that dream have a higher chance for success, I need to do a better job at embracing life. I need to hold my head up and forge on. I can’t let mistakes I have made in the past or things that others have said keep me from living this crazy thing we call life.

To be great (or however great is to be defined for me or anyone, for that matter) is takes hard work, fortitude, persistence, strength, and compassion. There are going to be good times and bad times with experiences in love, linking hate, and most importantly, it is going to take a lot of COURAGE!

Ultimately, there is someone who is very significant to me and my family that I hope I will be able to spend endless days with, exploring this world. Yes, he is one of those variables. We all love, respect, and want him in our lives more than he seems to understand. He really fails to give himself enough credit when he evaluates his self-worth to us.

Yes, I would like to see a life with him; but even if he isn’t a part of it, the ultimate dream is to move. Move to somewhere warm, somewhere preferably with a beach. I love being close to the water. I’d love nothing more than to have a little restaurant/bar in a beach town where all of the locals go and they tell all of the tourists that they have to stop there before they leave. I’m not sure that will all work out, but at least it adds more color to the dream.

Will the dream of life outside of this county that I have been in all of my life ever happen? Well, as my son reminds me of so many things, “Only time will tell.” My oldest two boys are married with great wives and are starting out what seems to be great lives. My youngest son will be a senior in high school in the fall and then it’s onto college. Will I be able to leave the kids? What if I have grandchildren? Won’t I want to be a part of their lives? Then there are my parents. My mom just had a bit of a health scare, and currently as much as I don’t want to wish time away, August 1^st can’t get here soon enough. We are in fear that there is something wrong with my dad and that there is a possibility of the onset of early dementia. However, he won’t see a doctor until August 1^st. So, if there is something wrong with either of them, will I be able to walk away and not want to do my part? If I would, that would be extremely selfish of me, wouldn’t’ it?

So, see the dream is there and I am taking steps to ensure that if the opportunity presents itself, that I can take it. I’m working to pay off all of my debt and should have that done by the end of the year. I finished my business and marketing degree, so that it would make it easier (hopefully) to find a new job, I am completing projects at my house, so if I can move, I can rent it out, sell it, or just button it up for a bit until I make a “for sure” decision. I’m doing what I can to help my kids and help them become even better established, and I am researching the heck out of possible locations and comparing pay to cost-of-living, renting  vs. purchasing a home, etc.; I think that my visions are helping me and even if I can’t move, these visions are going to provide me with the opportunity to not worry about paying the bills like I do now. The bonus is that all of the projects at my house will be done…FINALLY!

Is there more? Is there more that I can do or should do? Until the time becomes available that I can actually make a move, I think that I am preparing in about the only ways that I can; still the fact remains that even after reviewing and pondering, I still feel that I am missing something. Well Tyler…  Only time will tell.

Dreams are Essential to all of Our Lives!

One thing that I believe in are dreams; even when it seems like my dreams have no likelihood of coming true and all hope is lost, I seem to continue to believe and have hope. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just throw my hands up and walk away, but then I just can’t; I guess it is true that the heart wants what the heart wants and until it decides it doesn’t want it anymore, I will just keep dreaming of that day.

I’ve discovered that dreams are more than thoughts that run through our heads while we sleep. Dreams are also the reoccurring thoughts that run through our minds on a consistent basis. Dreams give us hope and they give us motivation. They can provide us moments of peace when things aren’t going as we “planned.” Dreaming can help us get to places in life that we never imagined we could go; accomplish they give you inspiration and hope.

The best thing about having dreams is they are not dependent on how “good” or “not so good” things are going in your life. Have you ever been in a place in your life where you feel you are going nowhere, you’re doing nothing right, and thinking that you’re making far more of a negative impact than a positive one? My guess is the reason for that is because I lost sight of my dreams. Sometimes it seems that I hit a series of bumps in the road, and I just want to just give up, because what I’m doing isn’t working. In reality I need to remember that each and every day is a brand new opportunity for me to take even the tiniest baby steps towards dreams. I’m not perfect and as long as I wake up each day, I can start over again.

I believe that in order for dreams to become a reality, you have to have a vision. Visions and dreams should accompany each other every step of the way. I think that sometimes it is easy to blur the line between the two or even get them confused. When I worked in the golf industry, I had the opportunity to work with people who had big dreams about what their event was going to do, how it would look, what it was going to be like. The question that stopped them almost instantly was when I asked, “So, tell me what your visions are for making your dream a reality?” They would instant look at me like I was crazy because they had just told me what they wanted. When I asked them to tell me if they had a plan for making it happen, or their thoughts on how to arrive at that destination, it all started to click.

A vision is what is currently going on in your life and what events are taking place. What steps we are taking within our current life to make that dream a reality?  Sometimes for me they can also be like a 30-60-90 evaluation; approaching it from that aspect breaks something down into pieces that seem more attainable.

When I am serious about making a dream become reality, sometimes it’s helpful for me to write those visions down. That way if I hit one of those bumps in the road and become distracted, it’s easier for me to look at it and regain my focus.

When I write my visions down, I include important thoughts and information about each one. I ask myself: How can what I am doing today help make that dream a reality? What can I do each day to help achieve my dream? What can I do to help me push harder towards those dreams? What is holding me back; is there something that I can do to overcome that obstacle? In what ways can I maximize my strengths and minimize my weaknesses? When I start answering those questions, sometimes the goals that I need to set become clearer and laying out a plan is a little less daunting.

I guess in a nutshell what I have learned or am in the process of figuring out is this:

My dreams are what will carry me through the daily grind. They are the things I aspire to be and do, they are the places that I want to go and the things I want to do. I will use them to give me strength, hope, determination and motivation.

I will use visions to make my dreams become reality.

My visions will keep me focused; they will keep me on track, and help provide me with a path that will help achieve that dream.

Do You Ever Wonder Where Your Heart Is?

 

I think that this quote pretty much sums it up. If you try to forget someone or something only to find that they/it is irreplaceable and that your mind wanders towards thoughts of them… I would say it is a pretty good guess that they must belong in your life. Do what you can to put them there. If you don’t, I think you will most likely live unfulfilled, disappointed, and in search of something that you are most likely never going to find.

“Life is a Journey, Not a Destination.”

“Life is a journey, not a destination.”
                                                          ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

For many years now, I have spent a lot of time focusing on the past; everything that I had done wrong and what seemed to be the very few things that I had done right. I spent so many hours focusing on exactly how things had gone awry, things that I could have done different, and if I had made different choices, wondering if I could have had a different outcome. In my head, I could spin each situation a million different directions and come up with just as many possible outcomes. What I have come to realize is that now I understand for the most parts all of the facts, the key players and the variables that accompany the situation. I didn’t have all of that information at the time, so I made the best decision based on what I knew and felt.

I also spent time focusing on ways that I feel other people may have helped influence the path that I took, things that could have been different and things that should have been different, if only I had made my own choices and not given so much credibility to the opinions of others. I had people that I really feel gave me a crappy deal, people who said and did things that made a negative impact on my life and things that I am still paying the price for today. How could this happen? How can they say and do such things and just continue to go on and not care about the devastation they’ve caused other people? But guess what? Spending so much time focusing on my past was taking precious time from my present and my future. I had to forgive those that I feel hurt me, forgive myself for the mistakes I feel I made and come to terms with my past. I needed to realize that through that pain, I gained strength and I learned from those mistakes. Traveling those roads and learning along the way, I feel that in some ways I have become a better, more understanding, and more compassionate person.

What are you focusing on? What is taking up space in your head and keeping you from enjoying everything that is in front of you, just ready and waiting? Your past is your past and your future is your future. The only moment you should consistently live in, is the one we are actually in — the present. If you want to appreciate and enjoy life to all of its fullness, you have to live here. Leave the past behind, focus on where you want your future to go, but don’t fixate or become obsessed with it. Make a conscious decision to live in awareness and appreciation; be present in the moment because you are never going to get it back.

If you spend all of your time looking in the rear view mirror or too much time looking for the finish line, when you finally reach it, you’ll be left empty and wondering if that’s all there is. You will have missed out on great opportunities, amazing people and happiness you will never have the opportunity to get back. While having goals and reaching them is a very positive experience,  its not that rewarding all by yourself, when you have no one to share the victory with.

How do you think your life would change if you reminded yourself of this message every single day? How much meaningful would your life be and how much more joy would you experience? This moment — this one, the moment right now — this moment is your life. I hope we all realize how special it is and take advantage of it.

In all of your growing, in your entire discovery, in all of your planning, in all of your day-to-day living, try not to lose sight of the journey you are on. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Life is a journey, not a destination.

 

 

"Just be Yourself" or so they tell you...

How many times have you heard the phrase “just be yourself”? How many times have you said that to someone as words of encouragement? The truth is we have all heard it and said to someone  “just be yourself and it will be fine”, but is it really good advice?

Sometimes people are going to like the “real you” and from time to time you will run across someone that doesn’t click with your personality and doesn’t find your jokes or sarcasm near as funny and quick-witted as you think they should. So, what happens when the “real you” isn’t working? Should you change who you are to fit into a situation or certain environment; or should you just keep being yourself and see what happens? Because after all, you may end up growing on them and they could end up being your best friend, thinking you are the most awesome person they know when it is all said and done. On the other side of the coin is the chance is that there is no common ground and they still don't like you. Unless that person is going to be a key person in your life…Does it really matter if they like you or not?

For the majority of my adult life I have thought about this question. I’ve contemplated which is better, being who I am or fitting in so that I am who everyone else wants me to be. If I am true to myself, there is a chance that people won’t like me, “OH NO”! (Truth is I have spent way too much time worrying whether people will/won’t and do/don’t like me.

Honestly, sometimes the “real me” doesn’t always work (I’m sure those who know me have a hard time imagining that. Ha-ha!) I don’t want to intentionally hurt or offend someone, but let’s be honest, sometimes it happens. There are people out there who don’t like me for my thoughts and opinions (most likely they aren’t among my favorite people either, but that is a topic for another blog).

The last couple of years this question has weighed on my mind almost daily and the last month it has rarely left my thoughts. The conclusion that I have come to is that it is important for me to be me; regardless of whether people agree with me or not. When I am not true to who I am I miss out on what I feel in my heart I should be doing, out of fear that someone else is going to disagree with me or tell me I am wrong. I end up making myself feel completely sick and withdrawn, just so I don’t do or say the wrong thing. I miss out on opportunities and I miss out on making this MY life, to add color to the story of my life.  To be completely honest, I am tired of this book just being black and white!

So, I have been asking myself, “What does it mean to be yourself”? To me it means that you do what comes natural, you act in a way that isn’t forced or fake. You have to be willing to accept that you aren’t perfect and will most likely make mistakes. Don’t let those mistakes define you, learn from them and let them mold you to be the best YOU that YOU can be. Be courageous to say what you really think and don’t say something that you aren’t willing to own. People will respect you for that, even if they may have to think twice about it. It takes courage to be an original you instead of a fake replication of someone else.

The truth is that I never set out to make it a goal to upset or offend anyone. It is okay if I don’t if I don’t share the same opinion as every other person in this world, I don’t have to. We are all wired different, been through different experiences and have traveled different paths.

At the end of the day, I think we just need to keep being ourselves; keep being the best that we can be and not to change anything within our core person. Because let’s be honest, regardless of who we are and how many people we try to please, there are always going to be people who just don’t get it; and that’s okay.