Is the slate ever wiped clean?

pen·ance

/ˈpɛnəns/ Show Spelled [pen-uhns]

noun

1.

a punishment undergone in token of penitence for sin.

2.

a penitential discipline imposed by church authority.

3.

a sacrament, as in the Roman Catholic Church, consisting in a confession of

I know someone, someone who at one time was very close to me and while they are no longer here, they remain deep within my heart.

While watching a TV show the other night, the last part of the show included the woman asking the man if he didn’t do some things as a form of penance. This really hit home with me because sometimes I think that this is what Virgil does.

Things can be going along great for him and all of the sudden it is like he is becoming comfortable in a situation and he shouldn’t be; so he will throw up roadblocks that create a diversion and take that feeling of contentment away from him. I often wondered if he felt like because things people had said to him in the past or mistakes he had made kept him in a situation to where he felt like that was the debt he had to pay for those things. I don’t really know, I try to rationalize many things in attempt to have them make some sort of sense, but they’re all just really a guess. A guess that doesn’t help anyone but me, so a complete waste of time.

The thing is that I understand this type of internal hell. You’ve made mistakes and so in order to try and make it right in your head, you think that depriving yourself of everything and everyone; living in an internal hell, not letting anyone in and keeping everything and everyone at a distance is what you deserve. Slowly but surely, I’m learning that the only thing I’m doing…is hurting me. People are going to think what they want, those are the people I can’t change the minds of anyways, and why do I even care? Those who love me and care about me want to see me happy. They really don’t like what I’m doing to myself and the fact that for the most part I live in isolation.

What I’m learning and still trying to figure out how to do is that I don’t have to pay for the rest of my life for mistakes that I made years ago. At some point I have to figure out how to wipe my own slate clean, to start fresh, to be at peace, and let others in.