Today I am completely yours, God.

From time to time life has gotten the best of me; I’ve felt hopeless, lost and angry. I was raised as a Christian and sometimes I’ve doubted the existence of God and the chance that there really is none. The last couple of months have really been trying for me. Last week was one that really took the cake. It seems that the harder I try the worse things get; last week it seemed like I was going to explode. My metal roof leaked and ruined a spot on my new ceiling, it rained so much that I was afraid the line that runs the water from my sump pump in the house was going to backflow from the pond into my crawl space. My trunk latch quit working, Tyler’s Focus quit working, and when I got home from work on Friday afternoon, I got the mail and in it was a bill from a collection agency for are $9,158.70. To be perfectly honest it makes me really question the whole “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” comment. I’m not Super Woman by any definition of the term.

So, after the weekend pity party I held for myself, I decided I was going to give it a try… Instead of continuing to question the existence of God, I was just going to turn it all over to him. I’m going to stop thinking I know what is best for me, trying to take my life down a path that I think it should just go and just try to follow through prayer.

While I have spent the last several years trying to make sense of life, when I have been faced with pain and trials, it has been easier for me to believe what I can see instead of what I can’t see. I read an article during my pity party, while I was trying to search for answers that I said “It is at our lowest point of struggle that we must lift our eyes in prayer and believe our God is not going to let us be devoured by the enemy of destruction.”  Obviously, what I have been doing isn’t working and so it’s time for a change.

Currently I feel that I am beyond weak, I have no strength and at times, well God, and you know where my mind wonders. So, God, here I am; surrendering my struggles to you. Please provide me the strength and power to stand in faith and know that you are there for me and that you will guide me down the right path. From this day forward, I will live my life praising you, making tough decisions only after I have brought them before you in prayer and was silent and listened.

I pray that you will guide me in the direction of a church that I can call home, provide me with answers and direction to the situations that you know exist, allow me to forgive my sister for what she’s done, help me be a good mom and daughter, and be the best me that I can possibly be.  Most importantly, please provide me with the tools to be a witness for you and share Your glory with all of those that I encounter.

Stop Trying To Please Everyone!

I’ve always liked this story about “The Man, the Boy, and the Donkey”:

A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: “You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?” 

So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way.  But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.” 

So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.” 

Well, the Man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey.  By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them.  The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.  The men said: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey with you and your hulking son?” 

The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do.  They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.  They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole.  In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned. 

“That will teach you,” said an old man who had followed them: “Please all, and you will please none.”.

I try to be that people pleaser and do what everyone else tells me I should do, what is best for me, how I should be, what I should be... honestly, it's exhausting. Please just let me be me, let me follow my dreams, have my own hopes, love the way I want to love. Is that too much to ask?

Is the slate ever wiped clean?

pen·ance

/ˈpɛnəns/ Show Spelled [pen-uhns]

noun

1.

a punishment undergone in token of penitence for sin.

2.

a penitential discipline imposed by church authority.

3.

a sacrament, as in the Roman Catholic Church, consisting in a confession of

I know someone, someone who at one time was very close to me and while they are no longer here, they remain deep within my heart.

While watching a TV show the other night, the last part of the show included the woman asking the man if he didn’t do some things as a form of penance. This really hit home with me because sometimes I think that this is what Virgil does.

Things can be going along great for him and all of the sudden it is like he is becoming comfortable in a situation and he shouldn’t be; so he will throw up roadblocks that create a diversion and take that feeling of contentment away from him. I often wondered if he felt like because things people had said to him in the past or mistakes he had made kept him in a situation to where he felt like that was the debt he had to pay for those things. I don’t really know, I try to rationalize many things in attempt to have them make some sort of sense, but they’re all just really a guess. A guess that doesn’t help anyone but me, so a complete waste of time.

The thing is that I understand this type of internal hell. You’ve made mistakes and so in order to try and make it right in your head, you think that depriving yourself of everything and everyone; living in an internal hell, not letting anyone in and keeping everything and everyone at a distance is what you deserve. Slowly but surely, I’m learning that the only thing I’m doing…is hurting me. People are going to think what they want, those are the people I can’t change the minds of anyways, and why do I even care? Those who love me and care about me want to see me happy. They really don’t like what I’m doing to myself and the fact that for the most part I live in isolation.

What I’m learning and still trying to figure out how to do is that I don’t have to pay for the rest of my life for mistakes that I made years ago. At some point I have to figure out how to wipe my own slate clean, to start fresh, to be at peace, and let others in.

Carpe Diem

I was creating a table for my weekly task list when something hit me- If you look at the image above, what would you guess it to represent? 

This actually represents one year of our lives. The rows represent the twelve months in a year and the columns represent the days in each month. Now, if you are like me a year sure seems longer than what this table seems to represent; but when you look at it as a year in a glance, suddenly that year doesn’t seem quite as long.

As I sit and color in a square for each day that has passed so far in just this year alone, the realization is that there in absolutely no way that I am going to get that day back. When it’s gone, it’s gone forever. At the end of the year, we tear that grid off and we start all over.

I wonder, how many grids do I have left? With each year that passes I move on to another and another. For all I know, maybe I only have a few grids left; maybe I won’t even be here to complete this grid.

The realization for me is that I’ve been wasting many days on my grid. Many things that I want to do, people I want to talk to, be with, places to explore, memories to be made, and fun to have, I’m not doing. I’m going through the motions everyday thinking that those things will still be there next week or next month.

I guess maybe it’s time for me to adopt the YOLO way of life. It seems that my “F**K IT “list has become longer than my “Bucket List” and I’m not really happy with that. It’s time to find balance, seize today, and plan for tomorrow (just not obsessively.)